Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.