Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out