Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
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MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
This is a bad sign
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Passed by a old school Math example today.