You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
You Might Also Like
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I can’t stop watching this.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.