Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”