My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
The only way I’m letting you in my house is if you end up being 200 pancakes stacked in a trench coat.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.