@solsayswhaaa

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

@solsayswhaaa

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

@solsayswhaaa

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

@solsayswhaaa

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

@solsayswhaaa

The only way I’m letting you in my house is if you end up being 200 pancakes stacked in a trench coat.

@solsayswhaaa

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

@solsayswhaaa

I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

@solsayswhaaa

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.