Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
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One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
my dad has had enough
Finally, a door that understands me
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.