This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
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Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show