@sonictyrant

me: i’d like to buy that jacket for my wife
store assistant: single breasted?
me: no she has two

@sonictyrant

me: do you think proctologists are just failed ventriloquists?
priest: i meant questions about your wedding vows

@sonictyrant

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

@sonictyrant

me: how can i come across as smarter to my date?

bartender: add ologist to your job title

[later]

date: so what do you do?

me: i’m an unemployedologist

@sonictyrant

me: *cracks knuckles*

boss: why do you do that?

me: i do it when i’m nervous

boss: fine *rubbing hands* but use your own

@sonictyrant

me: what kind of ice cream do you have?

store assistant: it’s Ben&Jerrys

me: *slides $20 accross the counter* aaaaand whose is it now?

@sonictyrant

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

@sonictyrant

me: hear me out. 100 washers & 100 nuts, but only 99 bolts

ikea ceo: i freakin love it

@sonictyrant

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

@sonictyrant

[Watching Avatar for the first time]

girlfriend: this is amazing

me: that’s the most elaborate smurf village i’ve ever seen