[watching Avatar for the first time]

girlfriend: this is amazing

me: this is the most elaborate smurf village i’ve ever seen


doctor: *delivering baby* congratulations it’s a girl

me: oooh what’s her name?


me: *swimming in nile* u dont think there are any alligators in here right

friend: no

me: *eaten alive by crocodiles*

friend: alligators aren’t indigenous to africa


me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights


The hard part was giving my homing pigeons dysentery. Training them to follow my boss on his morning run was a piece of cake.


[first guy to play an accordion]
i bet i could use this to get sharon to divorce me


me: one cocaine mcflurry please

employee: u already know i can’t do that

me: why?

employee: machine’s broken


[my first police chase]

me: *into walkie talkie* I’m trailing the perp on foot, Chads Gym on Broadway

suspect: *looks over shoulder* only one person per treadmill

me: *into walkie talkie* sorry Keith i lost him


me: [punching in at work]

boss: you know Chad is eventually going to press charges