me: *shakes magic 8 ball* will i ever find my maracas?
[watching Avatar for the first time]
girlfriend: this is amazing
me: this is the most elaborate smurf village i’ve ever seen
doctor: *delivering baby* congratulations it’s a girl
me: oooh what’s her name?
me: *swimming in nile* u dont think there are any alligators in here right
me: *eaten alive by crocodiles*
friend: alligators aren’t indigenous to africa
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
The hard part was giving my homing pigeons dysentery. Training them to follow my boss on his morning run was a piece of cake.
[first guy to play an accordion]
i bet i could use this to get sharon to divorce me
me: one cocaine mcflurry please
employee: u already know i can’t do that
employee: machine’s broken
[my first police chase]
me: *into walkie talkie* I’m trailing the perp on foot, Chads Gym on Broadway
suspect: *looks over shoulder* only one person per treadmill
me: *into walkie talkie* sorry Keith i lost him
me: [punching in at work]
boss: you know Chad is eventually going to press charges