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Page of sonictyrant's best tweets

@sonictyrant : therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

@sonictyrant: Bond: "Bond, James Bond"
Moneypenny: "Moneypenny, Miss Moneypenny"
Q: [looking dejected] "Q, just Q, Q"

@sonictyrant: Cop: my dog sniffed out this bag from your car

Me: that's dope

Cop: Right? Super good boy

@sonictyrant: me: make me irresistible to all women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop

@sonictyrant: concierge: the lift is broken sir i think your friend has taken the stairs

me: when's he bringing them back?

@sonictyrant: A snail is just a booger wearing a crash helmet

@sonictyrant: girlfriend: okay fine, but promise it won’t be like last time

me: *Already kicking kids out of the bouncy castle* THIS. IS. SPARTA!

@sonictyrant: me: *running around the operating room in circles screaming*

patient: who's that?

nurse: your trauma surgeon

patient: wow he's good

@sonictyrant: Astronaut: *examining a large knot* Houston please be advised. The moon's a balloon

Houston: what ! proceed carefully

Me: you think we should p-

Houston: DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT LET HIM POP THE MOON JESUS CHRIST

@sonictyrant: [After sex]

Her: *smoking a cigarette* where are you going?

Me: i told my mom i'd call her

Her: okay

Me: *tapping the wardrobe door* Mom, you can come out now