Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.