me: *cracks knuckles*

boss: why do you do that?

me: i do it when i’m nervous

boss: fine *rubbing hands* but use your own


me: what kind of ice cream do you have?

store assistant: it’s Ben&Jerrys

me: *slides $20 accross the counter* aaaaand whose is it now?


therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see


me: hear me out. 100 washers & 100 nuts, but only 99 bolts

ikea ceo: i freakin love it


[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol


[Watching Avatar for the first time]

girlfriend: this is amazing

me: that’s the most elaborate smurf village i’ve ever seen


Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue


[toon world police department]

chief of police: can u describe the explosive device?

me: it’s like a bowling ball with a fizzy string

chief of police: listen very carefully, i want you to lick your thumb and index finger ….


Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles


[Whale watching]

me: see that humpback over there? see its blowhole?

date: yeah

me: *nods* that’s where the periscope used to be