Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles


[Whale watching]

me: see that humpback over there? see its blowhole?

date: yeah

me: *nods* that’s where the periscope used to be


Me: well boys as one door closes another one opens

Submarine crew: *screaming*


me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights


Doctor: i’m afraid we lost your father

Me: *tearing up* oh no

Doctor: don’t worry we’ll find him

Me: omg i thought –

Doctor: now if I were a dead body, where would I be?



girlfriend: i think i’m having deja vu

me: pretty sure you had that last time babe


date: i just wanna be at that stage in a relationship where you finish each other’s –

me: *reaching over and eating spaghetti off her plate* we are so in sync Helen

date: it’s Ellen


Me: i’m certain my dead wife’s ghost inhabits other people just to insult me

Therapist: well that is classic paranoid behaviour and frankly moronic

Me: Sheila?


Wife: Liam’s hamster died. We need to replace him before he gets back from kindergarten


Me: *gestures at kid* well?!

Wife: i meant the hamster


me: worms cannot fully express my love for you, but they’ll try

girlfriend: you mean words lol

me: *shooing away flock of birds* just open the box babe