me: worms cannot fully express my love for you, but they’ll try
girlfriend: you mean words lol
me: *shooing away flock of birds* just open the box babe
A snail is just a booger wearing a crash helmet
Ned Flanders at the gym just killing it with diddly squats
[invention of the milkshake]
drunk farmer: hey! let’s milk the cows on a rollercoaster
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
[Painting the mona lisa]
Madam Lisa Giacondo: *sniffs the air* ewww Lenny omg
Da Vinci: haha .No Wait.That Expression! DONTA MOVE A MUSCLE
Me: *blindfolded* yah it’s pepsi. So do i win anything?
[my first day as a magician]
me: *pulls a rabbi out of a hat*
girlfriend: that’s a little unorthodox