me: worms cannot fully express my love for you, but they’ll try

girlfriend: you mean words lol

me: *shooing away flock of birds* just open the box babe


[invention of the milkshake]

drunk farmer: hey! let’s milk the cows on a rollercoaster


Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?


date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho


Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?


[Painting the mona lisa]

Madam Lisa Giacondo: *sniffs the air* ewww Lenny omg

Da Vinci: haha .No Wait.That Expression! DONTA MOVE A MUSCLE


Me: *blindfolded* yah it’s pepsi. So do i win anything?

Kidnapper: no


[my first day as a magician]

me: *pulls a rabbi out of a hat*

girlfriend: that’s a little unorthodox