Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
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Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Hey i am sexy to you now
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.