@sophielou: [Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
@sophielou: Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
@sophielou: *Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
@sophielou: If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
@sophielou: Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
@sophielou: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It's because you are feeding them bread Karen.
@sophielou: [me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
@sophielou: Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.