@sophielou

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

@sophielou

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

@sophielou

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

@sophielou

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

@sophielou

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

@sophielou

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

@sophielou

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

@sophielou

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

@sophielou

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then