In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.