Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of sophielou's best tweets

@sophielou : [On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

@sophielou: [Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

@sophielou: Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

@sophielou: *Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

@sophielou: Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

@sophielou: If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

@sophielou: Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

@sophielou: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It's because you are feeding them bread Karen.

@sophielou: [me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

@sophielou: Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.