I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
You Might Also Like
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!