dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
You Might Also Like
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.