If you had more money you’d be happier.
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Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
How software testing works
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy