I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
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GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Going into Monday like
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣