“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
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ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say