not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
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My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?