A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
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5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore