“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”


Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.


me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’


[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?




I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.


[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀


This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.


[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?