“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
when you are just born a rebel
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
The Book. The Movie.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?