“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
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Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week