9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
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I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
yall want some gasoline milk
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.