Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
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Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
definitely did not do anything wrong
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes