[giving tinder girl the tour of my apartment] i caught a Pokémon right here last night


[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*


before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*


waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money


cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please