Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
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My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
concern
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then