Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
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Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
where do you see yourself in five years?
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch