Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
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[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
HBO
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HBO MAX
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HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.