My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
You Might Also Like
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*