*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
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The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking