when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
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My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
A dad and his duck
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen