nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
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Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Camping tip: No.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
sounds kinky. i’m in.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes