My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
You Might Also Like
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
socratic questions
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.