My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
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More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft