Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
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God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.