me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
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“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.