[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 馃檪-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
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4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn鈥檛 invite her*
I鈥檓 one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I鈥檓 a personable person
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
MECHANIC: listen, I鈥檓 not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
鈥擟annibals
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Same pineapple, same
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
dads on road-trips be like