When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
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My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
This meal prepping shit easy
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.