A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
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if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”