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Page of squirrel74wkgn's best tweets

@squirrel74wkgn : Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn't even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

@squirrel74wkgn: Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying...

@squirrel74wkgn: Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all...perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

@squirrel74wkgn: [used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars...but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

@squirrel74wkgn: *presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

@squirrel74wkgn: [in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

@squirrel74wkgn: Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray...let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

@squirrel74wkgn: [Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

@squirrel74wkgn: [trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*