@squirrel74wkgn

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

@squirrel74wkgn

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

@squirrel74wkgn

Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.

Son: That wasn’t you

@squirrel74wkgn

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

@squirrel74wkgn

People are so wasteful…I found a perfectly good hair brush while sifting through my neighbor’s trash last night.

@squirrel74wkgn

[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son

@squirrel74wkgn

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.