[vaccine research meeting]
Doctor: The virus is global and we need solutions fast
Chemist: We are working on it
Doctor: Anyone else have ideas?
First guy to pee on a jelly fish sting: *raises hand*
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do
[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?