Funny Tweeter

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Page of squirrel74wkgn's best tweets

@squirrel74wkgn : Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

@squirrel74wkgn: [in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

@squirrel74wkgn: Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

@squirrel74wkgn: The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

@squirrel74wkgn: [in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

@squirrel74wkgn: Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: ...

Realtor: ...no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

@squirrel74wkgn: There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

@squirrel74wkgn: [after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

@squirrel74wkgn: Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! ...I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

@squirrel74wkgn: My son just flicked a booger & now it's hanging from my wife's forehead. I'd tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.