*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*
Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: *drinks water*
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
People are so wasteful…I found a perfectly good hair brush while sifting through my neighbor’s trash last night.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.