@squirrel74wkgn: [in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
@squirrel74wkgn: Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
@squirrel74wkgn: The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
@squirrel74wkgn: [in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
@squirrel74wkgn: Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: ...no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
@squirrel74wkgn: There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
@squirrel74wkgn: Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! ...I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
@squirrel74wkgn: My son just flicked a booger & now it's hanging from my wife's forehead. I'd tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.