@squirrel74wkgn

[vaccine research meeting]

Doctor: The virus is global and we need solutions fast

Chemist: We are working on it

Doctor: Anyone else have ideas?

First guy to pee on a jelly fish sting: *raises hand*

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

@squirrel74wkgn

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

@squirrel74wkgn

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

@squirrel74wkgn

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

@squirrel74wkgn

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

@squirrel74wkgn

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

@squirrel74wkgn

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?