My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.