Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
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Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
how do y’all walk in shallow water
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’