My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
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your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run