My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then