Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
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I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.