mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
You Might Also Like
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
My safe word is Worcestershire
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
#parenting
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass