What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
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My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.