Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
You Might Also Like
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
This is hilarious….
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!