RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
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“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again